Grabbing the beautiful moments that make me happy

Went to a free T'ai Chi Ch'uan class in a city park. Left the class feeling braver, more relaxed and with a warm heart. I felt my lost inner smile coming back for some minutes.


Image with Buddha was taken from here

Breakup Survival Kit II: 10 activities that can help you focusing on yourself and on your well-being

So, a month and 10 days has passed since I lost him, and I kind of managed to avoid focusing all my attention on my ex. In the first weeks I was going insane trying to understand what could have caused the end of our love. I was also very focused on trying to map his feelings, and delude myself with the idea that maybe he wanted us to get back together. Hours of self blaming and self-reproach. Turning all the anger against myself and forgetting that it was him who did something really wrong. Not because he broke up, but because of the way he did it, and also the way he stopped believing in the relationship without committing to find solutions to the problems we were facing as a couple.

But spending all this energy thinking about him was doing myself even worst than the words "i don't love you anymore" had done in the beginning. So a good friend told me I should really start focusing on myself and doing some thinking about what I wanted for my life. This was a key moment in uplifting my spirits. Because I regained control over myself. I recovered myself. Overwhelmed by strong feelings of abandonment, solitude and despair I had completely lost my sense of self. And that way it would be impossible to start healing the wounds caused by such great loss.

So I decided to start living again. Not fully, not demanding too much from me, but experiencing some kind of activities. And I suggest you all going through a break up recovery to try the same. I know all of these activities I am going to suggest are kind of a cliché, but they might help a girl with a broken heart. Imagination is not very powerful after such a life shattering situation as a breakup, so keep with the basics. Choose things that can help you develop a new sense of self and recover the lost strength.

10 activities that can help you focusing on yourself and on your well-being

1. Go to the beach. The sound of the Ocean is very relaxing and soothing, and it will help you bring some balance back to your life. Some walks near the sea will allow you to exercise and also to get some insight on your inner feelings and start planning your future after the healing process.Walking helps you to avoid circular thoughts and the scratch of the sand on your feet will make you feel alive. The sun can always put a smile on your face, and observing the other people having fun on the beach will certainly warm your heart and remind you of all the happiness that lies ahead for you.

2. Go to the cinema. I suppose that if you are like me you were not going to the cinema so often because of saving money for the future plans you had with your boyfriend. Also you couldn't always choose the movies you wanted to see because you needed to compromise with your boyfriend's taste. Go alone or with friends. Enjoy the possibility to dream through other people's lives. You can also discover new directors or some independent movies you never heard of. This will allow you to leave your room for a couple of hours, which is great! But beware of the movies you choose, you need to be sure of what your limits are right now in such fragile situation. Too much drama can leave you in such a state of frailty that will bring you back to helplessness.

3. Clean up your room, and organize your drawers, desk and closet. This helps you surely to get some control back in your life, and also allows you to throw away stuff that reminds you of your ex, and also some old stuff you won't need in your new life. This will make you feel much freer and prepare you to move forward.

4. Discover new music artists. Listen to music genres that are unfamiliar to you. This songs can bring new elements to your life and allow you to find somethings about yourself you were not aware of. Going back to the artists that you were listening while you were together will not help you in the harsh process of forgetting him.

5. Go to concerts, either of already known artists or some you don't know. Enjoy the music live where it is more truthful and powerful. Let the music inspire you in such though times, and dance!

6. Reread your favorite author. For me it's Jane Austen, what about you? Grab your book and go to the nearest park or to a coffee shop. If the author you love brings you adolescence memories as Jane brings to me, this will surely help you to remember who you were before your Ex had entered your life. Also you can compare your current feelings and opinions on the book with the previous you had, and realize how you grew up as a person since those long gone times.

7. Learn and experiment new things. It can be simple things your Ex used to take care of like opening the wine bottles or repairing some electronic device, or some other things like learning a new language or how to play a music instrument. By being able to do those tasks a male used to perform for you, will make you feel more independent and with less fear of loneliness. New skills will enpower you and help you to build on your confidence. Also it will enable you to focus on something else than the break up melancholy.

8. Try new healthy dishes and foods. I love to cook, and used to do it very often with my Ex. So when he broke my heart I thought (in the midst of such pain and confusion) that I wouldn't be able to cook again. But apparently a month after this painful event I am back to the kitchen and happy to do so. I try new recipes and also do research on which new foods can I add to my diet in order to become healthier. It makes me feel better about myself, and knowing I am doing good things to my body makes me more aware that the wound is healing.

9. Do some meditation. This won't be possible in the first weeks after the break up, but in awhile you will be able to engage in meditation. In such a moment of anxiety you will need to relax a bit so that your body can go through a normal process of healing. This will bring you back in contact with your body and allow you to forget all the circular and toxic thoughts about your Ex and on how is he dealing with the separation. This creates some minutes per day of a safe spot, a place in time and space when it is all about you. Do some meditation moment in the morning and other before going to sleep.

10. DANCE. Turn off the lights or create some nice environment with some candles and play some tunes you like and let yourself go, flowing freely with the rhythm. Allow you some moments of true happiness.

Some last advices:

Don't forget to always find reasons to leave the house during the mourning process. Even if only for a couple of hours. 

Also don't isolate yourself. Spend time with family and friends that will give you all the love you need right now, in such a difficult moment in your life. 

Remember: this pain is real, and your loss is big. Don't forget you will have to go through a rough path right now, but don't mistake that with dwelling on self pity or with becoming an hermit. You are still alive and you will evolve to a greater human being after recovering from such pain and loss. Never forget to love yourself <3

Image of Alexander Deineka's painting belongs to this website

A great example of those moments when we apologize for something we haven't done

4 excelent music artists I found during last month

Everyone knows music is therapy to the soul. My body feels broken and incomplete now that I am alone, so new songs might be great ways to heal the wound. Here goes a small list of nice music artists I found out after the break up. And they are keeping my head up high.


1. Lykke Li:
Swedish Singer-songwriter with intense music compositions between indie pop and electronic. She creates a dense atmosphere which makes me feel powerful in this moment of weakness.


2. Daughter
London indie folk band that made a fantastic cover version of Get Lucky from Daft Punk, with dark and melancholic lyrics, very good when you just feel like embracing sadness.

3. Regina Spektor
I already knew Russian/American singer-songwriter specially for her song Fidelity, but never listened to her music carefully. I am now discovering great tunes, full of creativity and excellent lyrics.

4. Of Monsters and Men
I went to see them playing live few days after my boyfriend broke up with me. I was really sad, but enjoyed their great vibe and cheerful tunes. So now I am discovering this folky band from Iceland.

I hope you enjoy them as well.


Picture or red haired girl with headphones was taken from here 

Grabbing the beautiful moments that make me happy

Here where I live August is one of the best months for observing butterflies. They are all over town exhibiting their amazing colors and wing patterns. Seeing them flying around warms up my heart. This means that a broken heart can still smile when triggered by beautiful things.

In order to focus on the brighter side of being alive, and on what makes me happy, I am now listing what puts a smile on my face each day. Today were butterflies. What will it be tomorrow?


Beautiful photo with butterflies was taken from here

Soundtrack for a broken heart

So you have a broken heart? Here goes a list of songs dealing with post break-up feelings. If someone just broke your heart this is just what you need right now. A soundtrack that speaks directly to your feelings. You need to avoid happy tunes, where the sun is always shinning or where love is all around. Right now it's all about darkness, despair, hatred and hopefully in a while some feelings of acceptance and healing. In this tunes you can achieve all the understanding your friends aren't capable of giving, cause they are not going through the same sad moment as you. This sad and angry musicians are sympathetic with what's going inside of you. They know how sad and revolted your heart is right now. When listening to this songs you don't have to be ashamed for still loving your ex, for being depressed or for having dark wishes of filthy revenge. I chose my favourite songs to match each of the post break up feelings and stages.


What other songs and feelings would you pick up for a personal soundtrack? Please share them here. All songs are welcome at this point. We will survive! And for that we better listen to good music.


Denial

No Doubt - Don't Speak 

"Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts"

 

Identity Crisis

Tori Amos - Your Cloud 

"if there is
a horizontal line
that runs from the map
off your body
straight through the land
shooting up
right through my heart
will this horizontal line
when asked
know how to find
where you end 
where I begin"

 

Loneliness and abandonment

Daughter - Landfill

"So leave me in the cold
Wait until the snow covers me up
So I cannot move
So I'm just embedded in the frost
Then leave me in the rain
Wait until my clothes cling to my frame
Wipe away your tear stains
Thought you said you didn't feel pain"
 

Despair

The Smiths - I know it's over

"Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
And as I climb into an empty bed
Oh well. Enough said.
I know it's over - still I cling
I don't know where else I can go
Oh ..." 

 
Regret

Arcade Fire - The Crown of Love

"if you still want me, please forgive me, the crown of love has fallen from me.
if you still want me, please forgive me, because your hands are not upon me.
i shrugged them off before my mom walked in my bedroom.
the pains of love, and they keep growin', in my heart there's flowers
growin' on the grave of our old love, since you gave me a straight
answer" 

 
Hatred

Fiona Apple - Not about love

"And it doesn't seem fair
That your wicked words should work
In holding me down
No, it doesn't seem right
To take information
Given at close range
For the gag
And the bind
And the ammunition round"

Self- reproach

Bjork - Immature

"How could I be so immature ?
To think he could replace,
The missing elements in me,
How extremely lazy of me "

Masochism

Leona Lewis - Bleeding love

"But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love"

Bargaining

Janis Joplin - Maybe

"Please, please, please, please,
Oh won't you reconsider babe.
Now come on, I said come back,
Won't you come back to me!"

 

Revenge

Lily Allen - Not big

"I'm sorry if you feel that I'm being kinda mental,
But you left me in such a state.
But now I'm gonna do what you did to me,
Gonna reciprocate.

You're not big, you're not clever,
No, you ain't a big brother
Not big what so ever"

Self - Empowerment

Elton John - I'm still standing

"Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind"

Rebirth

Sóley - Smashed birds

"And there I took all of your birds

And I smashed them in my pocket, oh
And then I got the feathers off and
I made myself a beautiful dress"

 

Breakup survival kit I : Keep you feet on the ground

I lost the ground beneath my feet. When he said he wasn't comfortable in the relationship I felt the world had ended. It seems like a cliché now, but back then I felt life had reached its end. I couldn’t feel anything else but pain, as if my limbs had been amputated. I had no structure. No bones, no muscles. I was a sad amoeba.

And I have been like that for two weeks. I said no to food, to distractions of any kind, to shower or to any topic of conversation that didn’t concern the end of my relationship. I understand now I wanted to disappear. I desired death. If we were not together anymore how could I keep breathing? 

And during this time a lot of dangerous ideas start flourishing. We lose touch with reality. We want to deny our lover is gone. We feel so shattered by the unpredictability of life we invent ways of getting control over it. And delusion begins. I will share with you all that happened after he broke up with me (through a phone call – yeah that’s it: A PHONE CALL!) and how vicious this thoughts can prove to be. To recover from this huge earthquake we need to keep it real. And we need to forget about him and become our focus of attention and affection.

 1. It’s all my fault

This is the first that comes to your mind. You start looking backwards in time and searching obsessively for the moment when the relationship started to decay. And all the problems seem now to have been avoidable. If only you hadn’t said that, or done that. And what if you had had that talk, or that attitude? You could have saved the relationship. Yes, you feel you are to blame for what happened. And this gives you back the control over your life, but the price to pay is too high. You will keep doing harm to yourself and forget that in real life you need “two to tango”. Whatever happened that led to the breakup must concern both of you.  In my case I tried to reason like this: we were together for 5 years (3 in a long distance relationship), and during all this time he never complained that something was wrong, I was the one always being honest about my wishes and feelings. If he decided to hide all his trouble during all this time and then breaking up when he couldn’t hold it any longer, I somehow feel his responsibility in the failure has to be a bit bigger than mine.

 2. If I apologize for all I have done he will come back 

Certainly this is the worst moment after the breakup. After what I mentioned above – treasure hunt for the reasons that led to a failed relationship - you start believing all you have to do is to apologize to him (for things he never said he was mad at in the first place). So you call him. The phone call doesn’t go that bad, and you feel he listens to you. He even reveals some stuff he had never told you before. You feel you are communicating again.  After hanging up you feel better and relieved. Maybe tomorrow he will come back to you. WRONG. You will keep thinking of other reasons to call. You will be haunted by millions of other moments from the past needing closure and this wave of phone calls will never stop. You just want to be around him and avoid recognizing and accepting the fact that he doesn’t love you anymore. Until the day he is rude to you on the phone, and gives you a second heart break. Then you awake and start feeling humiliated. You didn’t respect yourself with these self-accusations. You begged him to come back when he treated you so viciously. I wish someone had prevented me from doing these phone calls. They only make you feel worst and keep you from facing reality and moving forward.

        3.  Our relationship was perfect

   

This is delusion moment number two. All your remembrances seem to be from an idyllic world of constant sharing and affection. You two were perfect together. You promised so much to each other, not only love, but a shared future. And everyone thought you were the perfect couple. You can only remember intimate moments of pure joy. There was no clue that the relationship would fail. And of course now that it ended you feel like you want to die.

This is a crucial moment in the process of mourning, but you need to be aware that it doesn’t represent the reality of your relationship. You need to put your feet back on the ground and search for a more accurate portrait of what you two had together. You need to recognize that besides the happy moments, there were incompatibilities, and these must have been greater than the benefits, otherwise you would still be together. Don’t sugar-coat it. It will only hurt you.

        4.   He was the only guy for me

Yes, this is a myth. This belongs to pop songs from the 80's and 90's and to Disney movies. There is no such thing as souls united by destiny. We create these ideas to embellish the relationship, to make it seem special and eternal. This is a crucial mistake people sometimes make when they fall in love. And unfortunately they repeat it when they fall out of love. If we felt so great around this person and we felt stronger than usual it can only mean that there are some divine forces uniting us. Also there is the fear of being lonely. This fear is very big. So we start dreading our future without this person, and start believing he was the one, that no other will love us the same way. That we have lost our only chance to find true happiness. Of course I am still sceptical that I will find someone that loves me the way he did. I still think it’s impossible for me to love and trust someone again. But I have to admit to myself that this wasn’t working and I am better off without him, without all the negative feelings this relationship gave to me. If he doesn’t love me anymore how can destiny have something to do with it? People fall in and out of love, that’s life and its unpredictability. For a relationship to work two people have to be committed to it. You will love again, and be better loved. But now maybe it’s time to ask yourself why you were in that unfulfillilng relationship and what do you need a next one to bring. You need to find yourself again and love yourself for the person you are. Maybe you got stuck to a bad relationship because you lacked to love yourself and you weren’t demanding respect and love from your ex. 

 I hope reading this can help you keep in touch with reality no matter how much it hurts. It has to hurt right now. You invested so much time and effort in this relationship that you feel all your future plans are shattered. You must allow yourself to be sad. You must become aware that he is really gone. One day you will come out of this state. It won't be an eternal sadness. I will for sure keep rereading this survival kit in order to find peace within myself. I still feel life is worthless, but I believe that focusing on me and on my pain and the reasons that kept me with him will be very helpful to build a better future. Always love yourself. Don't blame yourself for what happened. Remember: YOU were DUMPED.

Image belongs to unknownaspiration and you can find it here