I lost the ground beneath my feet. When he said he wasn't comfortable
in the relationship I felt the world had ended. It seems like a cliché now, but
back then I felt life had reached its end. I couldn’t feel anything else but
pain, as if my limbs had been amputated. I had no structure. No bones, no
muscles. I was a sad amoeba.
And I have been like that for two weeks. I said no to food, to
distractions of any kind, to shower or to any topic of conversation that didn’t
concern the end of my relationship. I understand now I wanted to disappear. I desired
death. If we were not together anymore how could I keep breathing?
And during this time a lot of dangerous ideas start
flourishing. We lose touch with reality. We want to deny our lover is gone. We
feel so shattered by the unpredictability of life we invent ways of getting
control over it. And delusion begins. I will share with you all that happened
after he broke up with me (through a phone call – yeah that’s it: A PHONE CALL!)
and how vicious this thoughts can prove to be. To recover from this huge earthquake we need
to keep it real. And we need to forget about him and become our focus of
attention and affection.
1. It’s all my fault
This is the first that comes to your mind.
You start looking backwards in time and searching obsessively for the moment
when the relationship started to decay. And all the problems seem now to have
been avoidable. If only you hadn’t said that, or done that. And what if you had
had that talk, or that attitude? You could have saved the relationship. Yes,
you feel you are to blame for what happened. And this gives you back the control
over your life, but the price to pay is too high. You will keep doing harm to
yourself and forget that in real life you need “two to tango”. Whatever
happened that led to the breakup must concern both of you. In my case I tried to reason like this: we
were together for 5 years (3 in a long distance relationship), and during all
this time he never complained that something was wrong, I was the one always
being honest about my wishes and feelings. If he decided to hide all his
trouble during all this time and then breaking up when he couldn’t hold it any
longer, I somehow feel his responsibility in the failure has to be a bit bigger
than mine.
Certainly this is the worst moment after
the breakup. After what I mentioned above – treasure hunt for the reasons that
led to a failed relationship - you start believing all you have to do is to apologize
to him (for things he never said he was mad at in the first place). So you call
him. The phone call doesn’t go that bad, and you feel he listens to you. He even
reveals some stuff he had never told you before. You feel you are communicating
again. After hanging up you feel better
and relieved. Maybe tomorrow he will come back to you. WRONG. You will keep
thinking of other reasons to call. You will be haunted by millions of other
moments from the past needing closure and this wave of phone calls will never
stop. You just want to be around him and avoid recognizing and accepting the
fact that he doesn’t love you anymore. Until the day he is rude to you on the
phone, and gives you a second heart break. Then you awake and start feeling
humiliated. You didn’t respect yourself with these self-accusations. You begged
him to come back when he treated you so viciously. I wish someone had prevented
me from doing these phone calls. They only make you feel worst and keep you
from facing reality and moving forward.
3. Our relationship was perfect
This is delusion moment number two. All your remembrances
seem to be from an idyllic world of constant sharing and affection. You two
were perfect together. You promised so much to each other, not only love, but a
shared future. And everyone thought you were the perfect couple. You can only
remember intimate moments of pure joy. There was no clue that the relationship
would fail. And of course now that it ended you feel like you want to die.
This is a crucial moment in the process of mourning, but you need to be
aware that it doesn’t represent the reality of your relationship. You need to
put your feet back on the ground and search for a more accurate portrait of
what you two had together. You need to recognize that besides the happy
moments, there were incompatibilities, and these must have been greater than the benefits,
otherwise you would still be together. Don’t sugar-coat it. It will only hurt you.
4. He was the only guy for me
Yes, this is a myth. This belongs to pop songs from the 80's
and 90's and to Disney movies. There is no such thing as souls united by
destiny. We create these ideas to embellish the relationship, to make it seem
special and eternal. This is a crucial mistake people sometimes make when they
fall in love. And unfortunately they repeat it when they fall out of love. If
we felt so great around this person and we felt stronger than usual it can only
mean that there are some divine forces uniting us. Also there is the fear of
being lonely. This fear is very big. So we start dreading our future without
this person, and start believing he was the one, that no other will love us the
same way. That we have lost our only chance to find true happiness. Of course I
am still sceptical that I will find someone that loves me the way he did. I
still think it’s impossible for me to love and trust someone again. But I have to admit to myself that this wasn’t
working and I am better off without him, without all the negative feelings this
relationship gave to me. If he doesn’t love me anymore how can destiny have
something to do with it? People fall in and out of love, that’s life and its
unpredictability. For a relationship to work two people have to be committed to
it. You will love again, and be better loved. But now maybe it’s time to ask
yourself why you were in that unfulfillilng relationship and what do you need a
next one to bring. You need to find yourself again and love yourself for the person
you are. Maybe you got stuck to a bad relationship because you lacked to love
yourself and you weren’t demanding respect and love from your ex.
I hope reading this can help you keep in touch with reality no matter how much it hurts. It has to hurt right now. You invested so much time and effort in this relationship that you feel all your future plans are shattered. You must allow yourself to be sad. You must become aware that he is really gone. One day you will come out of this state. It won't be an eternal sadness. I will for sure keep rereading this survival kit in order to find peace within myself. I still feel life is worthless, but I believe that focusing on me and on my pain and the reasons that kept me with him will be very helpful to build a better future. Always love yourself. Don't blame yourself for what happened. Remember: YOU were DUMPED.
Image belongs to unknownaspiration and you can find it here
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